• Plot Twist: Tumblr App never crashes.

• Normal Teenage Girl: makeup! pushup bras! nailpolish! smoothies!
• Me: Internet, video games, food, sleep.

• Normal Teenage Girl: I love cuddling with my boyfriend!
• Me: Sometimes...my cat lets me pet him.

• Jack: Blonde for Warped Tour!
• Me: Don't lie, we all know it was for Alex.

• Normal Teenage Girl: Omg my boyfriend bought me flowers! He's the best boyfriend ever!
• Me: Omg my mom bought tater tots. I have the best refrigerator ever.

Listen up girls and boys...

• Girls: Do us all a favor and change the password to your lady parts to something other than 'I'm Easy'
• Boys: Do us all a favor and think with the head on your shoulders, not the one between your legs.

Seeing Funny Man On The Street:

• Me: Freeeeeeeeze
• Funny: ...
• Me: At easeeeeeee
• Funny: LET FUNNY MAN BANG ON THESE KEYS!